Through a lot of my life, I’ve been picked on relentlessly. My mom tells me that around age 6, I began to build a wall around myself, so I wouldn’t get hurt. I put on a tough exterior: I don’t have much tolerance for ignorance, men, and lots of other random things. Though I’ve found friends, they typically last only a year. Because of this, I’ve often asked if I’m the one who pushes people away, or if am I’m just inherently unlikeable? I know for a fact that people in my own UNIV class dislike me. Is it because I’m annoying? Do I make too many jokes? What’s so wrong with me that you have to mumble about me under your breath? I shouldn’t even complain; everyone is entitled to their own opinion. There’s plenty of people that I dislike for no reason, so I shouldn’t be surprised that other people dislike me for silly reasons or no reason at all…but how do I make it not hurt so much?  I feel like I can’t be alone in feeling like I couldn’t ever be enough, but I feel like no one experiences things exactly the same, so I feel isolated. Questions about myself and others are always circling in my mind. Why am I listening to sad music, when I know it’ll just make me sad? Why am I identifying with music that genuinely has nothing to do with me? Why do I feel like this exact meme about trying to escape the reality of existing? I often assume I’m being dramatic. Strong women don’t question themselves. Lots of people have it worse. Right? Some days, it feels like I’m just living in a bubble of questions that I can’t even begin to answer…does anyone even have the answer? Some days are just fine. I don’t feel much, but that’s better than feeling the crushing reality of my world. I like feeling love for someone else and feeling like I’m loved…I can thank my boyfriend for always loving me and making me feel that bubble of positivity. Is it bad that I define myself by his love? I have no question of whether love exists, I wonder, though, if there’s such thing as love going to someone who doesn’t deserve it. I’ve done plenty of things I regret…so do I deserve to be loved so unconditionally? I figure I can write all this because people will either not read it, or feel too awkward to respond. Should I make assumptions like that? Maybe the reason I’m the way I am is that I assume too much? Who knows, but I’m at 400 words, so I’m not going to expose myself anymore.

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