Summer 2018

**this was supposed to be for last week but got deleted**
So I had a hard time coming up with a topic for this blog. I think I sat here for about 45 minuets trying to think of something to even write about. I already made “a student athletes day” blog, a my family blog and all that, so I really had no idea what to talk about. Then I went on twitter and saw something that I related to. This girl had been in a mentally and physically abusive relation. I don’t know if anyone has seen it but my friend literally was like “Yoooo have you seen this?” and I said no and she proceeded to question why anyone would stay in that relationship. Well I have somewhat of an answer. I used to not talk about it but more and more I see my friends in very mentally abusive relationships it makes me want to say something and for them to have someone to relate to.

It was December and I had just called it quits with a guy who already put me through the wringer mentally. I was a huge mess. Like if you can picture a girl in a long relationship and then breaking up and their balling their eyes every two seconds, yeah that was me. I was extremely vulnerable. Then this kid (I say kid because he was so immature) came into my life. He was a junior and I was a senior. Everything was perfect for like two months then something in him changed. He became very, VERY protective and insecure. It really clicked to me that he was crazy when he said that I shouldn’t go to practice and just hang out with him. Well if you knew me back then I was so crazy for this kid I did anything he said. I started lying to my parents about going to practice, which was the biggest mistake I have ever made. It was right after his birthday late January when he started to be mentally abusive. I got called worthless, pathetic, stupid, fat, ugly, slut (sorry tried to keep it PG) you know it I was called it. Once he called me fat I stopped eating all together. He told me I should look like this model he was obsessed with and would show me pictures of the skinny girls from my school and would say I needed to look like all them. First of all I am a soccer player…we got muscle haha. What made it worse was after he would say some awful things to me or even “play” hit me, he would buy me things or take me to dinner. When I say “play” hit me, he would like slap my thighs or punch my arms and laugh thinking I was okay with that. But anyways, after my dad realized I didn’t eat anything he would start saying “I am going to take your phone away, if you don’t eat”. I couldn’t say no to my dad so I started to “eat”. I then thought it was a good idea to start throwing up my food. Not good. My day went wake up, school, high school practice, come home eat a piece of bread maybe apple sauce, go to club practice then dinner which I barely ate to begin with. Then it was graduation, I weighed a solid 125 ish. Pretty average for my height and build. Then the summer came, we broke up like the very beginning of summer, but this kid was still finding ways to make my life hell. He would text me I’m ugly or fat. I was so mentally frustrated, sad, exhausted that I believed him. I ran and did my sprints for like 4 hours out of the day and maybe ate eggs or like a smoothie after. I came into preseason weighing 119 and looking like a stick. Fast forwarding, thankfully I had my two amazing roommates that showed me eating was what would make me a better player and  that I am beautiful inside and out. They don’t know it but they really forced me to eat. We ate literally every second of the and I could really feel myself becoming the old, happy, energized Amber.

I think every girl deserves a MAN who is going to love them for who they are. Girls shouldn’t have to be model thin or have flawless skin for someone to love them. Everyone makes mistakes and mine was winter 2017 to summer 2018.  Yes, girls stay with the kids who hurt them, but from personal experience the person makes you feel like you need them and that is so not true. Everyone needs and deserves happiness. I know its not easy but loving yourself is something that is majorly important in one’s life. and can be very beneficial. I wished I realized how special I was and loved myself like I do now. I still have like my off days and days that I feel unwanted, but you just gotta keep pushing through because there is always light at the end of the tunnel. BUT if anyone ever need helps or just someone to talk to, I’d like to say I am pretty good at relationship advice!! Feel free to reach out.

2 Replies to “Summer 2018”

  1. this hit me hard because I relate to it. I need to love and respect myself more and not worry what everyone else thinks. I was in a very long relationship in high school and it ended before college and coming to college I thought of myself in such a bad way and nobody should do that. everything ends for a reason and no matter how bad it ends you are still the same person and I forgot that.

    1. I think that this is a really hard story to tell and you are really brave for telling it. A lot of young girls are going through situations like this and are afraid to say something for fear of being judged or getting in trouble, etc. I agree that everyone should find somebody in general that treats them with respect and doesn’t abuse them in any way. Whether it be emotional, physical, sexual, anything. I’m glad that you started to eat again and that you had good friends around you to make sure that you were. Loving yourself is very important and I think that this is a great message to spread.

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