2 thoughts on “Inquiry Project Draft”

  1. Hello Karen! First of all––from one criminal justice major to another––the topic you chose and the material you decided to go with is very interesting! I agree wholeheartedly with your argument that blacks are unfairly discriminated against and are disproportionately incarcerated simply because of the color of their skin. Also, you used many good sources for your actual research, which shows the effort you have put into the project thus far.

    However, some things I would fix include:
    • Separate some of the sentences with paragraphs (this allows your thoughts to be divided logically so the organization of your project can flow better);
    • Check verb conjugations;
    • Eliminate repetitiveness (repetition, when needed, can be very effective; however, repetition can be detrimental to one’s argument if the same information is simply repeated over and over);
    • Use superscript numbers to indicate your sources (I noticed that you linked many of your sources and you listed references at the bottom of your project; this is very good, but make sure that the audience is able to know which exact sources go with that information, from the entire project down to the sources themselves)

    Overall, you have a great start to your project, and I feel that your final product will be something to be very proud of. You do not have to take the different points of my assessment as the gospel because those were just suggestions based off of observations of things that I know would help me. Again, I think your efforts will be rewarded at the end of this summer semester, just publish your best stuff next week, and “Give it all you got!” Nice work, Karen!

  2. Karen,

    I think the topic you chose to write about is truly a great topic because you can find so much information to back up your reasoning for your argument.

    Structurally I would consider separating your paragraphs somehow so that it isn’t one great run on essay. I know that with certain platforms the structure changes when it is copied from a word document into the medium in order to post so I understand if this happened. One thing you could do to help the separation is possibly adding images or graphs to support your statements and further support your argument. I think that any of these choices will improve the visual ascetics of your inquiry project ( not to mention they are fun to find!).

    I also noticed your references are hyperlinked instead of formal citing. I am all for hyperlinking the sources, however I believe keeping the formal in text citing with-in your paper keeps it structurally sound throughout. I know this is an interactive digital based class but it is still a writing class. This is something I had trouble maintaining as well I wanted to go crazy with the pictures and I found that I lost site of my writing fundamentals. This is something that can only improve the credibility of your sources as well.

    I noticed you offer plenty of statistical data to support your argument which is great, maybe you could add graphs to approach your readers form a visual aspect as well. I know when I am reading I appreciate a graph of the information (statistically) to fully appreciate the data given.

    And lastly make sure you cite any and everything you make statements about. When you write:
    “Without any opportunity of parole, these youth are hidden from the society and even when grown or matured their cases may never be reconsidered or reviewed.”

    It makes me wonder “Hey, where did she get this from? How do I know this is true?”

    And if I wonder that, then your readers will too wonder where and how you gathered this information. When in doubt cite it out. I too had trouble with this. I would find myself just typing away and needed to slow down to back up my statements.

    On a local scale just go back through your first draft and watch for grammatical errors as well as sentence structure (I am terrible at this too). Sentences like:

    ” It is true that if a defendant cannot afford for a private attorney, they may request for a legal aid but do all defendant know that it is available to them?”

    Maybe try writing this instead:

    “When defendants are unable to afford a private attorney they have the right for public legal assistance; however, most defendants do not have knowledge of such services being available to them. ” ( also cite where you pulled this information from, how do you know that they do not know?)

    I hope this helps! Overall this is a great start! You have an abundance of information which will help sort everything out in the end. I look forward to reading your final inquiry project!

    TL.

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