It’s humid out; I can feel the water vapor on my skin. My footsteps taking on a rhythm that I am wholly aware of, yet dissociated from. Do I control how fast I walk? Am I conscious of each footfall? It feels so automatic. The pavement has a hollow sort of sound. I feel myself detaching from the usual confinements of my home, each little string plucking apart.
I hear children playing and think. It’s been a while since I played like that. Somehow I had thought that children born into a world filled with technology, a world so different than the one I was born in, wouldn’t play the same games I used to play. But they were. Hide and seek. They were hiding in bushes and bragging about how clever an idea it was. Part of me longs to be a teacher sometimes.
There’s a forest on the edge of the main road near my house. I’ve always been fascinated by those kinds of forests. They’re the ones I’ve looked at on quiet rides and imagined myself running away to. A weird sort of liminal space, so close to humans and development, yet entirely left alone by them. It gets sort of quiet once you pass the tree line, the trees do a better job at soundproofing the road than you expect.
Today I passed this forest. This is one I’ve been in before, when I was 13. An odd time where I was very delusional* and very unaware of it. At that age I had a month-or-so-long delusion where my bike was sentient and we had to find a forest, because the forest was a portal to a kingdom called Lymphyra. Unfortunately this was not just imagination and I actually believed my bike was a dragon. But the forest itself was nice. It had a creek and wild strawberries, and I’d bring my little pink digital camera and take pictures of the leaves in the sun. I felt a sort of ownership over this forest, and oddly enough it still kind of lingers now. Today as I walked by it, I saw a tiny fort made of sticks. I suppose other kids are enjoying the woods now too. I hope it makes them happy like it made me.
*note: I’ve become a bit self conscious that most of my writings here have to do with my hallucinations and delusions. I write about them so often because we are asked to write about our experience, and my mental illness is always apart of my experience. Also I just really need to get my meds adjusted lol
There was a point where I don’t notice my legs anymore. It felt like I was just floating. The air felt like it was embracing me. I was starting to sweat by this point but my pace didn’t falter. Not like I felt in control of it in the first place. I passed a moving truck and remembered when we moved here. Things feel out of my hands but I am okay with it. I like just feeling the wind. I like feeling the water in the air. It makes it seem alive.