the sweat walk

I knew this walk would be somewhat painful when the operation said we couldn’t listen to music. My earbuds and backpack are my safety blankets when I walk. It gives me something to do with my hands (playing with my straps) and the music just allows me to ignore my surroundings. Strangely enough my therapist suggests exercises similar to these to allow my anxiety to fester and build up so I can learn to live with it. Befriend it in a way.

I sing to myself under my mask to combat overwhelming uncomfortableness of this moment for me. It feels like everyone is staring into my soul. While I can logically think and understand that most people are too consumed with themselves to notice my existence in public. Anxiety isn’t logical, far from it. It will have you juggling scenarios in your head that are seamlessly impossible all while trying to make them possible.

In between the singing I go back and fourth with thoughts about my “future” and how I will make something of this 4 year vacation that I came to Richmond for. These thoughts are heavier today more than ever because mom called this morning, and did the “thing”. Although I know it comes from a genuine place of worry and love. She calls me often hounding me about future plans and I can’t help but find my self in immense worry after that call. You can hear in her voice that she wants to be more upfront with her questions but she holds back to spare my feelings. Suddenly I am thinking about the billion and one things I need to get don’t and how far behind I am on life.

When I get back into my apartment I notice how sweaty I am. It wasn’t even that hot out but nerves and thoughts won today and in turn I only have two sweat stains to show for myself. Im reminded again why I never tried the exercise my therapist suggested after the first time.

This is the song I couldn’t get out my head on the walk. Its really sad and I think he’s talking about his addiction to codeine but I love this song.

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